Wednesday, June 1, 2011

What do men really want or need?

I have been asked many times, "Why are men so, complicated, difficult or hard to deal with"? I have also been asked," Why is it so hard for a man to be faithful or do most men need more than one woman to keep them satisfied"? Or what is it that men really want or need? Since I know that there are going to be a few women reading this journal, I first want women to realize that both men and women have similar wants or needs .Yes men of today and men from different countries have different views when it comes to dealing with women. But when it comes sharing our hearts men in general have several things in common.
But before I get in to these things I first would like to explain, why men are they way we are and why we may seem complicated or difficult to understand for most women. From birth most men are raised to be providers, also to be strong both physically and mentally. I remember as a child my father would constantly remind me that I was the man of the house, even at the early age of six. Being that I was the oldest of six I had it even harder than my younger brothers. My father used to say, Charles you are the oldest and you have to set an example for your younger brothers. If you fail then they may think that its okay for them to fail, but if you succeed then they will be obligated to succeed. He would go on to say son that may not seem fair, but life is not fair. What I also loved about my father, was that he was very up front with his views or ideals on dealing with the opposite sex. He would say always respect a woman, for she is the one that may one day carry your child , but also be cautious when dealing with a woman . Because just as beautiful and as tempting they can be , they can also be both  dangerous and hurtful to a mans heart. So take a woman at face value or how she may present herself to you at the very beginning of your first meeting. As a young man I always looked at a woman's appearance and never took time to see what was really inside. My mother used to always warn me and always told me to use caution when dealing with a woman. Some may find this as a surprise at my mother telling me to be careful with dealing with women. But both my mother and father were very real when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. They tried to protect my brothers and sisters with very real talk about relationships. They were very careful not to make us feel that one sex had the advantage over the other. They also wanted us to understand that both had their flaws and both contributed to failed relationships. As I have learned from both of my parents and from my own experience I often would give my own daughters some pointers on dealing with men and  if my daughter would be reading this would laugh at this saying," If you present yourself to a lion as prey then prepare to be treated as prey ". "But if your present yourself to be an adversary or his equal then you will be treated or respected as his equal". What this means is men only respect what they see , hear or feel.Most men are just like lions in the wild and by instinct we are made to hunt and pursue what we like or want.
That is why in the Bible, when it says,"When a man finds a wife he finds a good thing. That statement alone shows that men are the ones that are constantly seeking a good mate. The only way that stops is by the man finding that woman that meet most of his needs But first a woman has to earn a mans respect before that can happen.  So if a woman wants a man to respect them then they would also have to respect themselves. In that way men and women are not very different. We both look at a persons outer appearance and we both pay very close attention to the way a person carries themselves.Are we men complicated? In some ways we may appear to be to women, but in most cases we are not. Can we be faithful to one women? Yes , but it takes a special woman with certain qualities to keep her man happy or satisfied .My mother always used to say to me a real woman compliments her husband or spouse.What I loved about my mother was that she was always real and very up front with her words and actions. When she talked to me she demanded respect and wanted me to know that her talks or lessons were valuable. She would say to me, "Charles get yourself a woman that can add something to your life and a woman that can become a special part of your life. Stay away from women who only want or desire you out of need. If a woman only wants you because you look good, have a good job or for material reasons, then you do not need her. Only get a woman that genuinely loves you and a woman that looks toward to the future. She would say if a woman is constantly looking backwards and never looking forward,then she has her head stuck in the sand. She would go on to say, it takes time for a man and a woman to fit together like a puzzle. It takes a lot of compromise, a lot of learning  , a lot of patience and a whole lot of love. Between a man and a woman all things can be worked out or saved through God. If both respect each others needs, wants and desires,then all the complications or difficulties will be taken care of. Since God created both Adam and Eve both men and women have been forever linked. Its not really that difficult or complicated, both men and women were created for each other.
What do men really want or need? Well most men want a woman who is confident, but laid back. What this means is for some men, a woman that's overly confident in her abilities or knowledge, can be intimidating to some men. Even though some men such as myself respect and enjoy having a woman that we can match wits with. For others it can make them feel insecure.Most men also like to have a woman that's drama free. What I have heard from most men is that they really hate to argue and fuss. To be honest most men stay away from their own home because they are afraid when they get there, their spouse will have something to argue or nag them about. Men hate it when their spouses or wives bring up their past. Men also hate it when they are constantly reminded of their failures. Men also hate it when they are constantly being nagged or worried about something that their wives or spouses want to get done.Also men hate it when they woman they are with after sometime in the relationship want them to change or to be like someone else.My mother used to have a saying for those who may want their man or woman to change or to be like someone else. She would say," Accept me they way I am and if  I am not what you are looking for then find yourself someone else". What I have found from my past relationships is that most women are never satisfied, if you give them ever thing they may want or need, then some may ask you to be like their ex-boyfriend , ex- husband or even ask for me to be something I am not. A good example of this when I have often heard some women say, "Why can't you be more like...... or you are to hard or soft you need to be a little harder or softer".All I can say to this pass statement is ladies men do not come prepackaged. Yes, both men and women loved the ideal of having that perfect mate or spouse. We all would love to have a man or woman that fits all of our needs. But if you face reality you will realize that there are no perfect man or woman. That being said you will just have to accept the man, the way he is. If he happens to be too short, tall, muscular, fat or skinny, the only thing that really should matter is the size of his heart.
The reason , I use both my mother and my father in this journal, is because they had the one of the greatest example, of what a marriage should be. Both loved each other unconditionally, both supported each others dreams, both were forgiving of each other. Also what I respected most in my mother was that she constantly looked out for my fathers needs. She was the type of woman that pampers her man and she treated him like her king. If she happen to be home before,  my father made it home(Since they both worked) she made sure his bath water was ready for him and she always had a dinner or lunch prepared, so that he had something good to eat. She supported both his dreams and vision. I never heard them argue about money or finances. They never competed against each other and were teammates until the end.So when it came to raising the children, building a new home, buying a car or even starting a new business, they were always on the same page.When I became and adult I asked my mother what was the secret to my mothers and fathers long lasting marriage.She just smiled at me and said," Son there is no perfect marriage or relationship". She would go on to say, that what you see on the outside is not necessary what is on the inside.  Every marriage or relationship take a lot of hard work, understanding, some trust , you also have to be very forgiving, supportive and above all else have a strong love and respect for your mate.But the key to our marriage is that we both looked after each others needs and we also were very open with our thoughts or opinions.Your father and I respected each other as individuals.Also unlike the people that are married today we never gave up on each other and we never let anyone on the outside affect or marriage or our decisions. We made our important decision's together and we always talked them through.Also she said if I ever got married to never go to bed mad.She said, my father and her talked about what bothered them and worked things out.She went on to say," We never forced anything on the other and we always encouraged each other to get better or to achieve our dreams". In short she would say, I was what your father both wanted and needed. I was patient enough to know that the man I married would become something great with me by his side. I was forgiving enough to understand him when he made mistakes. I was believing enough to realize that through God all thing are possible through him.My mother used to always say that she was my fathers rock. Whenever the world was against him, she was the one that was always by his side and supported him when others wouldn't. She went on to say," So when your father dreamed of getting us a bigger house or car, I never doubted that he could do it". I was patient enough to know that all good things come in time. That way I never became impatient and I waited. That patience paid off she said ," Because now your father and I have raised six beautiful children, bought a nice home and we have everything we could ever wanted with Gods grace".I was loving enough to care for him even when he was sick or became depressed. I was truly his help mate and supported and loved him for better or worse, through thick or thin, for richer or poorer , until death do us part. I was and  I am that Proverbs woman. I was everything that God intended on a woman being, what my man wants or needs. What do men really want or need? A woman just like my mother.
Be blessed,
Charles

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