Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Not Angry Anymore

One of the hardest things I every had to do as a christian or as a man, is to forgive those who have hurt or wronged me. Its very difficult to forgive someone(especially if they happen to be an ex-spouse) when you put your heart and soul into them, then very soon after they use or abuse you. Its also very difficult to erase all the memories, especially if you have spent a significant amount of time with them. Men are a little different then women when it comes to this, because we happen to have many types of burdens when in a relationship or a marriage. I know this may be hard for some women to understand, but most men have a level of pride that we all have to deal with.Sometimes its harder for us to let go, because some of us men put more than their hearts into a marriage or relationship,we also invest our time and money.

As a young man I always tried to follow my fathers example. I noticed that when it came to my mother that he was always very protective of her. He made sure that he did the normal things that most men did in those days like, taking out the trash, cutting the grass, washing the cars and doing maintenance around the house. Back then those things were a given and most women expected that from their men. But what made my father different, than other men during that time, was the way he treated my mother. He never hid his feelings from my mother  and was very affectionate, even around his children. I will always remember when my father and mother used to kiss. Back then as children we would smile then say, "Oh, mommy and daddy are being nasty! I could hear my parents now saying these words, "Children, that's not being nasty, we are just loving each other". I smile now when I think about my fathers and mothers love, because when I became an adult I hoped and prayed that one day I would have that type of love or affection with my future wife.

When I got married, I was not only a newly wed, but also new as a christian. The first years took some getting used to, because I had to get use to the ideal of living in another state, going to another church, helping raising a young man who already had a father and I was also working at a new job. Besides that I also had to get use to my new surroundings. It took me sometime, but with the grace of God, I quickly became comfortable with they ideal of trying something new. I was excited because I thought to myself that I, finally found my true love or my soul mate. It was like a dream come true, that quickly turned to a night mare. Life is funny that way, one day you could be on top of the world and the next you are not.

As I think about that transition I made, it reminds me of a Bible verse ( Habakkuk 3:2 O LORD, I have heard thy speech, and was afraid: O LORD, revive thy work in the midst of the years, in the midst of the years make known; in wrath remember mercy). This verses reminds me of Gods mercy because I needed it in my life and my marriage. Why you may ask? Because of all the hell my ex-wife put me through I really depended on Gods mercy. If it wasn't for him answering my prayers, I really believe that I wouldn't be here writing this journal today. If you ever been through a bad marriage where you been used and abused, then you may understand why after we were divorced, why I stayed angry for so long. It took me sometime to forgive and forget about the pain. Someone once asked me this question, being that your ex wife hurt you so bad, how would you feel if you  ever saw her again? Would you be angry or bitter? I simply answered them by saying, I have changed and  through my relationship with Jesus, I had have time to heal, to pray, to forgive and time to get over my pain. No I am not bitter, I have forgiven her and I am not angry anymore. If you are reading this  at this moment , always remember this its okay to forgive, its okay to move on and its also okay not too be angry anymore.
Have a blessed night,
Psalm 18:2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Psalm 31:5 Into your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O LORD, the God of truth.

1 comment:

  1. After reading this blog, it really hit home for me, because I can relate to what you went through. I went through the same thing with my ex-husband. I was in a marriage where I was abused mentally, spiritually physically, and emotinally. What I mean by abuse is that it affected every part of my inner being. My ex-husband never hit me physically, but everything he did just torn me apart. I always had a relationship with God before my marriage, and I thoght as a believer God would fix everything that was wrong. Through all the turmoil I went through in the marriage, family and friends would suggest that I leave my ex-husband. Especially my best friend, she was so angry with all the things he kept doing to me, she just could not understand why I stood in the marriage. All the lies deceit, adulterous acts, I experienced, started turning to resentment. Instead of me being more angry with Him, I was angry with myself. Through all my devastation, I prayed and asked God what was it He wanted me to do. I told God that I was not going to walk away from my marriage only if He allowed me to do so. You would not beleive what God done for me. Through all my pain while still living in the same house going through a reckless marriage, God strengthen me. He renewed my spirit, my mind, my soul, my heart, and emotions. After awhile what my ex-husband was doing did not bother me anymore, I kept on living. Finally when Hurricane Katrina happen two months down the road, God seperated me from my ex-husband and freed me. If you ask me am I angry anymore I could honestly say no, I am happy, I am healed, now I can finally find true love again. My soul-mate, my lily of the valley, my night and shining armour. God has given me a new life, a more loving heart to share with the man He design for me, and me for him. Have a bless evening.